My heart hurts

The realization that I am officially an orphan has hit hard this Mother’s Day.  The first one without my mom with us is painful, it’s crippling and its lonely.  We didn’t always have the best of relationships due to stubbornness on both of our parts but I am thankful for what she did show me.  My mom taught me a number of things from camping to cooking to showing pride in my heritage.  She suffered from Diabetes just as I have been struggling.

She showed me the importance of love and of forgiveness.  She was not perfect by any means but she was my mama.  

The last days of her life, I wish I had been kinder.  She lived with me and had given up.  She didn’t do all she could to get stronger or better.  She wanted to be waited on and I wanted her to do it for herself.  I was angry at my job, and watching my mom decline before my eyes and I was angry at the helplessness I felt.  I was angry because I felt like she stopped trying.

I have guilt that I will carry with me the rest of my life but I also have love.  I have stories and I have memories of this last year that no one can take away from me.  In essence, I am my mother’s daughter.  She was not always nice to me