I miss you...

I was beginning to think that I was over the feeling of loneliness. It has been almost a year since I moved to Panama City, and what a year it has been! I have made some incredible friends here but I also said goodbye to some friends back home. Those friends back home are the ones I miss so much. I know that people change, that times change...that somehow we all have to grow up and become individuals, but part of me wants to cling to the safety of the past instead of the uncertainty of the future.

I have some pretty amazing friends, new and old. I'm a lucky girl and I can't really complain. Each person brings something to my life that makes me a better person and that allows me to examine a different aspect of myself. Without them I would not be a complete person. One of my best friends calls me her lobster. We have both been incredibly unlucky in love and somehow even though we know the pattern that defines our romantic lives, we still pick the men that destroy us piece by piece. She says that we are soulmates and part of me thinks that she might be correct. I know that I can turn to her whenever it all seems to go wrong in my life. Every time I talk to her I hear "I love you." I never knew how I was so afraid to use those words with friends even though I did love them dearly. Being hurt in love makes you a little gun shy in whatever form you feel love in. She has become my family, not the family I was born with but the family of my own choosing.

I have had to say goodbye to "friends" or people that once told me that we were the best of friends. I know that some people come and go from out lives in order to make us better...but when you're faced with abandonment by someone that told you that you were one of their closest friends you start to question the sanity of such a statement. It hurts when people walk away from you before you even know what hit you. Even though I never said the words to their faces, the goodbyes are unspoken. I value the friendship for what it was for however little of time we shared it. I also see it and you for how you truly are. I had to say goodbye because it hurt too much thinking that someday you would change or that it would all somehow begin to make sense.

So yes, I miss my friends and yes I am lucky to have some amazing people in my life, but I still have a loneliness for the familiarity of friends and family that I said goodbye to when I left KY.