50 Shades of Grief
I feel as though I've known death all of my life and not in a "I know death is coming for me" way. My dad died when I was 11 and from that point on it was a series of friends and family throughout the years that feels as though it has been a constant in my life. Even though I have been to countless funerals, memorials and services there is no way to prepare, there is no right way to act and feel. The loss feels heavy but I look around and realize that I am not the only one impacted. It is just experienced differently, for different people.
I know the loss of a parent, of grandparents, of friends, aunts, my husband and now a sibling. I keep asking God what am I supposed to be learning from all of this and one thought always crosses my mind. I have learned that over the years that God has a greater plan for me than the one I had for myself. I only know my pain and can't speak for the grief of others. I have so much respect for my mom, mother and father in law and my brother in law. I can't possibly fathom what it feels like to lose a child that has been a constant in your life for 35 years. While I know the pain that comes with losing a sibling, I will never know the pain that comes from losing your twin...your true other half for his entire life.
Someone very close to me lost their baby within the early stages of pregnancy. While I know the loss of the dream of having children with my husband, I cannot begin to understand what it is to lose such a precious life when they've become more than just a part of your body...they are part of your heart. While I shed countless tears for my friend at her loss that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface to the pain she feels.
Moving through the emotions a number of times is no exaggeration. With the loss of my husband, I have good days and I have bad days...I have moments where it hurts to breathe and moments that I can't help from laughing at a memory that crosses my mind. When Bryan first died, I kept dreaming that he had faked his death and I would wake up so angry at him. When my dad died, I used to pretend that he wasn't really gone and that he created a new life for himself somewhere else. It was easier to deal with my grief that way that to admit to myself that I would never see him again, in this life. I guess I was using the same coping mechanism when dealing with Bryan's death. That was a way of my subconscious trying to deal with the anger that I was building up with his death and avoiding coping with all the emotions. This morning, I woke up from another dream of Bryan having faked his death. I woke up angry and frustrated but I acknowledged to myself that it's another way of dealing with a change in my life that I didn't want to go through without him here. This wasn't the future I ever envisioned for myself when he came into my life but these are the cards I was dealt so I have to learn to deal with each day and be thankful for the time I had and the love I was given.
The realization that yes, I have lost a lot of people in my life that I loved and will always love but more importantly, to be there for someone who has suffered a loss doesn't mean you have to had a similar experience to understand that person's pain...you just have to be there to listen, to let them cry, to let them scream, to laugh at the memories but more than anything, just be there. Pain and grief are personal and not something that you can understand from another person's perspective. Just be there to remind them that they aren't alone. That and the pain and grief isn't on a timeline that you will ever understand. It's what the other person needs to go through at their own pace. Just because it's been a year, two years or 20 that pain can still be fresh and the loss felt just as deeply.
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
I know the loss of a parent, of grandparents, of friends, aunts, my husband and now a sibling. I keep asking God what am I supposed to be learning from all of this and one thought always crosses my mind. I have learned that over the years that God has a greater plan for me than the one I had for myself. I only know my pain and can't speak for the grief of others. I have so much respect for my mom, mother and father in law and my brother in law. I can't possibly fathom what it feels like to lose a child that has been a constant in your life for 35 years. While I know the pain that comes with losing a sibling, I will never know the pain that comes from losing your twin...your true other half for his entire life.
Someone very close to me lost their baby within the early stages of pregnancy. While I know the loss of the dream of having children with my husband, I cannot begin to understand what it is to lose such a precious life when they've become more than just a part of your body...they are part of your heart. While I shed countless tears for my friend at her loss that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface to the pain she feels.
Moving through the emotions a number of times is no exaggeration. With the loss of my husband, I have good days and I have bad days...I have moments where it hurts to breathe and moments that I can't help from laughing at a memory that crosses my mind. When Bryan first died, I kept dreaming that he had faked his death and I would wake up so angry at him. When my dad died, I used to pretend that he wasn't really gone and that he created a new life for himself somewhere else. It was easier to deal with my grief that way that to admit to myself that I would never see him again, in this life. I guess I was using the same coping mechanism when dealing with Bryan's death. That was a way of my subconscious trying to deal with the anger that I was building up with his death and avoiding coping with all the emotions. This morning, I woke up from another dream of Bryan having faked his death. I woke up angry and frustrated but I acknowledged to myself that it's another way of dealing with a change in my life that I didn't want to go through without him here. This wasn't the future I ever envisioned for myself when he came into my life but these are the cards I was dealt so I have to learn to deal with each day and be thankful for the time I had and the love I was given.
The realization that yes, I have lost a lot of people in my life that I loved and will always love but more importantly, to be there for someone who has suffered a loss doesn't mean you have to had a similar experience to understand that person's pain...you just have to be there to listen, to let them cry, to let them scream, to laugh at the memories but more than anything, just be there. Pain and grief are personal and not something that you can understand from another person's perspective. Just be there to remind them that they aren't alone. That and the pain and grief isn't on a timeline that you will ever understand. It's what the other person needs to go through at their own pace. Just because it's been a year, two years or 20 that pain can still be fresh and the loss felt just as deeply.
"Grief only exists where love lived first."
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