February
As I celebrate my 37th birthday I know that dreaded Feb is following quickly with a month long of mixed emotions, tears, heartache and an intense loneliness.
To break it down simply
Feb 14th--a reminder that I'm alone, widowed and lost the great love of my life
Feb 18th--my late husband's birthday also the day that I lost my job in 2015 due to a company wide lay off
Feb 22--Anniversary of my dad's death
Feb 24--Anniversary of the day that Bryan proposed to me...beautifully and perfectly on the beach in West Palm Beach
Feb 26--2 year anniversary of the day I lost my husband
My goal this year is to not dwell on what I lost, but what I experienced.
Feb 14th: My husband was my best Valentine. The couple of years we were together he made sure it was special and filled with so much love. A dozen roses, a nice dinner (depending on his work schedule) and our last one together a beautiful diamond bracelet. That man sure did love his bling. It wasn't the gifts that made it special, it was solely him...the slow dancing in the living room or my office and the way that he would look at me. I'd often catch him staring and ask what? and he'd give me that dimple filled smile of his and tell me I was beautiful and that he loved me. Bryan had this way of making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and I had never felt so loved in my entire life. Our love was and will always be a beautiful thing.
Feb 18th--Anyone that knew Bryan, knows that man loved him some steak. His primary goal after moving to Florida to be with me was to find the best steak in town. Let me tell you, there were a lot of options! and I had never hated steak so much in my life after the first 2 weeks that he was there. We found the best steak and that's what he wanted for his birthday. I am thankful that his last birthday he got to spend with his brother. It was meant to be shared and he got to introduce Ryan to his favorite place in West Palm to get steak. I will always remember how excited and happy he was to have his brother there to celebrate with and to show Ryan how happy he was in his new home. This year...my best friend might be delivering baby H on Bryan's birthday. Truly a special day in the books when that little firecracker enters into this world.
Feb 19th was the last day I worked with Follett Higher Education Group. A career I have worked hard to obtain to have all my efforts wiped away in a 5 minute conversation because the company was "right sizing." I was good at what I did, damn good but it was a job I was no longer passionate about. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. The months after being laid off forced me to examine my life, my friendships, and overall deal with the loss of my husband. Before that, I used work to move through the motions of everyday life. As long as I had that, I couldn't think about all I had lost. My life changed so much in the matter of a year. I know longer recognized who I was and importantly who I wanted to be on the other side of grief. I now look back and realize that it was a struggle, it was a challenge but I was never alone. My family was there to support every move and heal a part of me that had been broken since the day I lost Bryan.
Feb 22nd--My daddy has been gone longer than I had him in my life. I have not gone a day without a dad though when UJ stepped up to the plate. I don't remember a lot about my dad. I know I have his eyes, his chin and his feet :) I also remember him carrying me into the house when I was a kid and would fall asleep in the car, I remember his sense of humor, and how he was larger than life. I wish I got to know him...
Feb 24th--I can't even begin to describe how amazing this day was. Bryan truly went out of his way to make the proposal special. Sparkling wine, blanket and dancing on the beach. He was so nervous even though he knew I was a sure bet :) When we were sitting there, watching the waves roll in he started rambling. It was cute...is was him. Then he started talking about how you just know when it's the right person and that he had never felt this way about anyone. I was the whole package and what he didn't think he'd ever find. He pulled me up so we could dance and he pulled back got down on one knee and asked me three questions. In that moment, the sheer joy on his face when he asked me to marry him...that is one of the most beautiful moments forever in my heart and my memory.
Feb 26th--I relived this day over and over for months after his death. Why did it happen, how did it happen? There was this cloud that loomed over my existence from that day on. I know my friends were there, my sister flew in to be with me and his mom and brother came down...it's a blur. I remember the silence in an apartment full of people. The sound I was waiting for, was his walking through the front door, hearing his whistle for lisa, his smell, his laugh. The absence of all that he was in my life and the lives of his family...how could we possibly move on? This month marks two years and sometimes I have to ask myself if I lived in some kind of dream. There's an emptiness still, but there's still so much love. I am at my best when I love--unconditionally and without measure. I am beginning to find that within myself again. Love exists in many forms, and my friends and family have shown me how beautiful love is even after loss. I have faith that love will find me again whether in the form of a new friendship or relationship because I have a lot to give and I know that I'm a good person and what I deserve in this life.
I love fiercely and loyally. Once you are in my heart, it's hard for that to change. It's why I stay in friendships longer than I probably should and why I'm cautious when it comes to romance. Hearing "I Love you" is scary after a loss...because in that moment you can't help but wonder if this person will leave you too but the realization that tomorrow is not guaranteed I will not hesitate to say it when I feel it.
To break it down simply
Feb 14th--a reminder that I'm alone, widowed and lost the great love of my life
Feb 18th--my late husband's birthday also the day that I lost my job in 2015 due to a company wide lay off
Feb 22--Anniversary of my dad's death
Feb 24--Anniversary of the day that Bryan proposed to me...beautifully and perfectly on the beach in West Palm Beach
Feb 26--2 year anniversary of the day I lost my husband
My goal this year is to not dwell on what I lost, but what I experienced.
Feb 14th: My husband was my best Valentine. The couple of years we were together he made sure it was special and filled with so much love. A dozen roses, a nice dinner (depending on his work schedule) and our last one together a beautiful diamond bracelet. That man sure did love his bling. It wasn't the gifts that made it special, it was solely him...the slow dancing in the living room or my office and the way that he would look at me. I'd often catch him staring and ask what? and he'd give me that dimple filled smile of his and tell me I was beautiful and that he loved me. Bryan had this way of making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and I had never felt so loved in my entire life. Our love was and will always be a beautiful thing.
Feb 18th--Anyone that knew Bryan, knows that man loved him some steak. His primary goal after moving to Florida to be with me was to find the best steak in town. Let me tell you, there were a lot of options! and I had never hated steak so much in my life after the first 2 weeks that he was there. We found the best steak and that's what he wanted for his birthday. I am thankful that his last birthday he got to spend with his brother. It was meant to be shared and he got to introduce Ryan to his favorite place in West Palm to get steak. I will always remember how excited and happy he was to have his brother there to celebrate with and to show Ryan how happy he was in his new home. This year...my best friend might be delivering baby H on Bryan's birthday. Truly a special day in the books when that little firecracker enters into this world.
Feb 19th was the last day I worked with Follett Higher Education Group. A career I have worked hard to obtain to have all my efforts wiped away in a 5 minute conversation because the company was "right sizing." I was good at what I did, damn good but it was a job I was no longer passionate about. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. The months after being laid off forced me to examine my life, my friendships, and overall deal with the loss of my husband. Before that, I used work to move through the motions of everyday life. As long as I had that, I couldn't think about all I had lost. My life changed so much in the matter of a year. I know longer recognized who I was and importantly who I wanted to be on the other side of grief. I now look back and realize that it was a struggle, it was a challenge but I was never alone. My family was there to support every move and heal a part of me that had been broken since the day I lost Bryan.
Feb 22nd--My daddy has been gone longer than I had him in my life. I have not gone a day without a dad though when UJ stepped up to the plate. I don't remember a lot about my dad. I know I have his eyes, his chin and his feet :) I also remember him carrying me into the house when I was a kid and would fall asleep in the car, I remember his sense of humor, and how he was larger than life. I wish I got to know him...
Feb 24th--I can't even begin to describe how amazing this day was. Bryan truly went out of his way to make the proposal special. Sparkling wine, blanket and dancing on the beach. He was so nervous even though he knew I was a sure bet :) When we were sitting there, watching the waves roll in he started rambling. It was cute...is was him. Then he started talking about how you just know when it's the right person and that he had never felt this way about anyone. I was the whole package and what he didn't think he'd ever find. He pulled me up so we could dance and he pulled back got down on one knee and asked me three questions. In that moment, the sheer joy on his face when he asked me to marry him...that is one of the most beautiful moments forever in my heart and my memory.
Feb 26th--I relived this day over and over for months after his death. Why did it happen, how did it happen? There was this cloud that loomed over my existence from that day on. I know my friends were there, my sister flew in to be with me and his mom and brother came down...it's a blur. I remember the silence in an apartment full of people. The sound I was waiting for, was his walking through the front door, hearing his whistle for lisa, his smell, his laugh. The absence of all that he was in my life and the lives of his family...how could we possibly move on? This month marks two years and sometimes I have to ask myself if I lived in some kind of dream. There's an emptiness still, but there's still so much love. I am at my best when I love--unconditionally and without measure. I am beginning to find that within myself again. Love exists in many forms, and my friends and family have shown me how beautiful love is even after loss. I have faith that love will find me again whether in the form of a new friendship or relationship because I have a lot to give and I know that I'm a good person and what I deserve in this life.
I love fiercely and loyally. Once you are in my heart, it's hard for that to change. It's why I stay in friendships longer than I probably should and why I'm cautious when it comes to romance. Hearing "I Love you" is scary after a loss...because in that moment you can't help but wonder if this person will leave you too but the realization that tomorrow is not guaranteed I will not hesitate to say it when I feel it.
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