Where did you go...

There are so many things I want to talk to you about.  I want to tell you about my day.  I want to tell you about the funny things Lisa is doing, how the girls are much better, how the new job is going...how much my heart hurts and how much I miss you.  You said we needed a break to figure things out, but really you needed a break from me because I already know what I want.  Letting myself love again wasn’t easy.  You said sometimes I hold back but you never really wanted to know why...

I was afraid to love you.  I was afraid to lose you after I gave you all of me and lose you I did.  I was afraid of being broken again but I loved you all the same

I love you came easy for me to say to you when I felt it but was never something you were comfortable with.  I learned the hard way that tomorrow is never promised and I will always say it if I feel it because I want that to be the last thing you or any loved one remembers of me.  Not hearing it back is what made me hold back especially out of fear of going through what I’m going through now.

I can’t help but feel abandoned with a broken heart.  You were more than my love, you were my best friend.  You were my person that I knew at the end of the day was there and had my back and that I wasn’t truly alone.  But here I am, alone again and trying to figure out what I did or didn’t do enough for you.

All I wanted was to make you happy.  All I wanted was to love you and continue building on a foundation of friendship and growing with you.  What I want doesn’t appear to matter and now I no longer trust my heart.  This is why I held back at times...this pain, this doubt...its’ too much.