Don't Lose...
I still struggle with this sometimes and question if whether the voice I hear along the way, guiding me, is my voice or the voice of someone in my past. I have lost so much over the past few years, felt so much pain and heartache that sometimes my voice left me. If I said it...somehow it became real and there was no going back from that awareness. No matter what I did or how hard I fought it my voice came back in full force when I got laid off in February. I had ignored the build up of emotions for so many months because I was consumed with my job. When I no longer had that, I had no choice but to look around at my life after loss, of the shadow of the person I used to be and decide that I wasn't going to let grief define me. It didn't happen overnight but slowly and painfully.
My voice came back, baby steps at a time. Suddenly, I realized I was allowing certain things to happen in my life, to be treated a certain way because it was easier to silence myself and ignore it than to truly deal with it. I couldn't lose more than I had already lost but in hindsight those things, those people had already left me. Soon after my voice returned, so did my smile. I used to have a manager tell me that I had a smile that could change someone's day. When Bryan died, I lost that smile for awhile. I felt it was somehow, this great injustice, to his memory if I was able to laugh or smile again. How could I be happy without him here?
We used to have conversations about what we would do if something happened to the other. I used to tell him I couldn't survive losing him and in truth the person I was didn't survive the loss. I'm no longer that person and while I have evolved into this different version of myself I realize I can't go back to what I was before. I am no longer someone's wife...I'm someone's widow and that is the word I hate most in this world. Or referring to Bryan as my late husband...what the hell is he late for?!?!?!?! I have to think of it like this...for 4 months and 22 days I was Bryan's wife and I was the best wife I could be. I loved him with everything I had in me and I will always love him. That's the beauty of love, it doesn't end with death because there is always someone left behind to carry it on. I find my strength in that fact.
I appreciate this life God has given me. I yearn to live, to love, to laugh and experience life to the fullest. I have my voice and smile back and I know that everything else will fall into place.
My voice came back, baby steps at a time. Suddenly, I realized I was allowing certain things to happen in my life, to be treated a certain way because it was easier to silence myself and ignore it than to truly deal with it. I couldn't lose more than I had already lost but in hindsight those things, those people had already left me. Soon after my voice returned, so did my smile. I used to have a manager tell me that I had a smile that could change someone's day. When Bryan died, I lost that smile for awhile. I felt it was somehow, this great injustice, to his memory if I was able to laugh or smile again. How could I be happy without him here?
We used to have conversations about what we would do if something happened to the other. I used to tell him I couldn't survive losing him and in truth the person I was didn't survive the loss. I'm no longer that person and while I have evolved into this different version of myself I realize I can't go back to what I was before. I am no longer someone's wife...I'm someone's widow and that is the word I hate most in this world. Or referring to Bryan as my late husband...what the hell is he late for?!?!?!?! I have to think of it like this...for 4 months and 22 days I was Bryan's wife and I was the best wife I could be. I loved him with everything I had in me and I will always love him. That's the beauty of love, it doesn't end with death because there is always someone left behind to carry it on. I find my strength in that fact.
I appreciate this life God has given me. I yearn to live, to love, to laugh and experience life to the fullest. I have my voice and smile back and I know that everything else will fall into place.
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