Fear of letting go

The one thing that no one truly prepares you for after dealing with a loss is the fear.  Sometimes it's ever so slight that you hardly even notice you've altered your course of action but then other times it can be crippling.  I'm not going to lie...the thought of moving on, attempting another relationship is inconceivable to me right now.  I know that Bryan would want me to move on, hell we had talked about the what ifs before he died but this is different.  There is a new awareness that comes with dealing with loss.  I went from this euphoric bubble of love where we had our whole life ahead of us to...sheer nothingness.  We thought we were invincible and that our love was all that we needed to get through this life but God's plan was different than the one we have begun to create.

They don't tell you the fear of losing everything again will keep you from not only trying, but wanting to try in the first place.  I survived the loss once but a second time...my heart can't take it.  I almost lost myself in the pain, anger and confusion I felt when Bryan died.  I've only recently begun to feel like bits of myself have come back.  I'm not whole by any stretch of the imagination but I do have my smile back.  I know that I have so much to give, and so much love to share but that awareness that it can be gone in a heartbeat is always there in the back of my mind.  In a way it makes me hold back but it also makes me appreciate the beauty of the world that is before me.